The fog before my eyes the last couple of weeks started to lift this week. I’m exhausted and ready to take long vacation to recover. But time stops for no one. What irks me the most is I could have avoided this extreme fatigue if I stick to my to-do list. Without that list, nothing is completed unless it relates to my father’s care or work.
I swim around without heading to the end of the pool. I don’t touch my draft or anything related to writing. I want to finish but it never gets done. I keep beating the rug outside but it never gets fully cleaned out. I believe my only enemy is myself. It isn’t the doubters who don’t think I will never finish my novel or others who believe there is no future with writing. The person I see in the mirror is the person holding me back.
My personal goals are always pushed back for anything that doesn’t need me to think about writing. I focus on all the wrong things instead of finishing what’s before me. The picture is how I feel on most days. I fake being awake to do any unproductive tasks such as playing World of Warcraft. I can do fun things but I also need to write for carry out my dreams. I wonder if my lack of urgency with it is to blame. That is another soul-searching post in itself.
Knowing is half the battle but doing something about it is the other half. I need to start doing instead of ranting about it anymore.
I debated with myself for a long time whether to post any of my writings on my blog. After some reflection, I decided to post early pieces of my writing which I don’t plan on using in my novel. The ideas may still be used but not the writing itself.
With that said, the piece is not perfect and will have mistakes of all kinds. It is for a mature audience due to the graphics nature of the piece.
“It is done. We have achieved the impossible.” A lone young man bloodied from head to toe stood in front of a river blacken by the tainted blood. This moment deemed impossible, yet no more monsters roamed the lands. The peoples of the land lived free from fear of those who wished to kill them. But the young man knew everyone would turn against each other and peace would not last.
The price of the blood was too great for him to continue. The woman he impregnated will soon bear the next of blood who will pass it down to his next of blood. The line would continue. He completed the passage, he blood’s work would have been done, but his strength would only last long enough for the child to be born in a few days. He would not be able to teach the boy what he needed to know. The young man knew the monsters would be back again even if it isn’t until thousands of blood sons had been born.
He wished more of the blood existed. The pain and benefits of this battle killed any sense of personal loyalty to one other. They even cut into each other bloods to end the monsters’ lives. Never again will he work with people who only waited for the right time to kill him to better their own positions. They tried and tried and tried a last time. But they will never live to tell the tale of how they worked to betray the people they swore to protect. Foolish men.
And the foolish women who wanted to share his bed at night. The surprise on their eyes when he held a knife to their throats made him only harder. Most never came back but those who enjoyed the roughness. They always returned. The ones which only experienced pleasure from those times were just as mad as he.
For after a while, he knew only how to make pain and no longer peace. Ironic how foolish he was at the age of 13 hoping to save the world and return home with a woman and children to keep him company until his death. At 17, no home waited for him except a woman who shared in his sickness. The child she carried will only be his only one.
No longer wished to be chained to his foul, twisted emotions, he pulled out the same knife that caused him to turn into a dirty monster different from the one he defeated. His pants were already pulled down. He grabbed himself and cut himself from the root of the tainted pleasure he wanted.
“No! What have you done?” She ran to him. “We could have had more children. More little babies,” she cried as she lifted the torn piece of his body.
“More babies? You only want pain to release your pleasure. Do not worry, I will give you the pain you crave once the baby is born.” He smiled. Her eyes glassed over and she reached a bloody hand to her.
“Do you mean it?”
“Oh yes. Have I ever let you done before?”
“No, never,” she purred to him.
The pleasure he will receive when he mutilates her after the baby is born brought a smile to his face. He wanted this one last act before he no longer walked on this earth. If only she knew what will happen to the child after she gives birth, but she will never know. She won’t live long enough to find out what will happen. To think pleasures of a different kind existed and he wanted to be sure he got as much of it from her before he died.
His child will be taken care of by someone of blood and he did not need to walk theses and watch the mess they create when all eyes no longer focused on the tainted ones. Yes, this was beyond anything he expected when he started his journey of glory. At least his two hands still decided how he wanted to end his ways.
It’s been said a million time; there’s never enough time in a day. The older I’ve gotten, the truer this statement has become. When I’m focus on my writing project or reading a book, somehow time disappears leaving me little time to get other things done. But time doesn’t discriminate against anything I do. No matter how small the task, it always takes longer than I thought.
I love to plan and organize my day. Little is done if I don’t. And lately it hasn’t been done due to obligations that toss any plans out until they are done. My mind becomes muddled at that point and I relax playing War of Worldcraft or watching TV. Pretty anything that isn’t productive calls me.
Sadly, time works with me if I take the time to write what I need to complete each day with a limit on each task. If I don’t finish the task within the allotted time, then I move to the next task and pick up the unfinished task again the next day. It’s time management 101 from what the books and articles I’ve read. (I love to read on the topic. ^_^)
It works so well for me. I just need to keep the habit of writing down the tasks and how much time I have for each.
How do you feel about time? Enemy, ally, or both?
1st Lesson Learned: Life during NaNo cannot be on hold. While I was able to put off most things last year, this year I couldn’t. Thus, the drop in my word count but I somehow made it work out to reach 50k.
2nd Lesson Learned: Only the desire to move forward and finish the novel will keep you writing when you are not feeling well. For a few days, I suffered pain in my wrists. I wrote lightly for those days in hopes the pain will go away. That did not happen. Since I couldn’t continue writing with my wrists like they were, I went to the store purchased two braces to help me. Now I cannot write without them and my wrists don’t hurt any more.
3rd Lesson Learned: Without focus, you will only get so far. In order to be focus enough to write, you need to sleep enough, eat right, maybe take vitamins, and anything that helps you keep your mind on the prize. Once I did all those things together, I sat down and wrote my butt off during the last three days of NaNo.
4th Lesson Learned: When you need to bump up your word count, insert sex scenes into your novel. While that statement was true last year for me, this year’s insert was internal monologue. Writing sex scenes didn’t help me to understand my characters anymore than before. The internal monologue helped me pin down my characters’ past and how it affects them in their current situation. Most of it will be cut during editing but it is a great piece to keep for my character sheets.
Final Lesson Learned: Enjoy everything that happens to you during NaNo. The experience is one of kind for most of us and changes every time.
Next NaNoWriMo, I hope to be writing on the second book of my fantasy series. I will take what I learned from the past two NaNo to write again with pressure looming over my head and learn new things about myself as a writer.
The last few months have been tough personally with little time to devote to writing. But now the season of NaNoWriMo is here and time has returned for writing. Since I need to make up so much time, I decided to aim for 100k this month. A total of 3,334 for each day this month. Since I completed 72k last year, I should be able to make my goal for this year.
After many hours yesterday, I made my daily goal late last night. At one point, I believed my goal was too much for me since I haven’t written daily in such a long time. But I pushed myself to keep going and with help from my fellow writers, I completed my goal.
Since I didn’t finish on time last night, I missed my local region Kick-Off Party. I wanted to attend. But I need I would never finish my count for the day if I did. Priority is getting words written before any social gathering. Because I chat and forget to write during them.
Off to finish my Day 2 goal!